2018: A Reflection

2018 has been both the best and most challenging year of my life. A lot of great things have happened. My mother got married (and I was a bridesmaid), I went back to school full-time, my photography business has really picked up, and I have become a mother myself. On the other hand, this past year my depression was worse than it’s ever been and my strength was challenged so many times.

Overall, I’ve experienced a lot of self-growth.

Kids Change You

Having a child changed me in more ways than I ever thought possible. Of course I expected the lack of sleep and the “unconditional love”, but the kind of love I have for Olivia is something far greater than I ever imagined.

Olivia saved me from myself.

My entire life, I have fought constant depression. Having a child in the midst of depression gave me a reason to be a better person and to love myself. She is looking up to me every single day and she needed me to get better for her.

Having a child has also made my outlook on life, in general, change completely. I look at every decision that I make and think to myself, how is this going to affect Olivia? I am making leaps to build a better future for her.

My life is more full.

Control

This year I had to learn (the hard way) that you can not control anyone, no matter how hard you try.

You can not make someone be what you want him or her to be or make them do what you think they should be doing. Sometimes you have to allow the people you love, no matter how much it hurts you, to make their own mistakes.

They have got to be willing to see the changes their self. If they are not willing to make those changes and those are things that you can not live with, you have got to let go or love them from a distance. Which leads me to my next point…

Forgiveness

My definition of forgiveness is letting go of the idea that the past can be changed.

Getting hurt by people I love and trust was one of the hardest things I went through this year. I learned that I had to forgive them. That doesn’t mean I have to forget what they did, but I am choosing to move on from the past in hopes for a better future.

I am still practicing forgiveness every single day and I can already see the weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders.

Success

In 2018, I finally learned what MY definition of “success” is. Olivia is taken care of and she is the happiest baby I have ever seen.

That. Is. Success. To. Me.

That shows me that I am doing something right. Maybe I don’t have the rest of my life together and I may have had a baby in which some people would consider me "too young", but my daughter is genuinely happy. I couldn’t ask for anything else.

Self Love

Self-love is something I have struggled with CONSTANTLY. There is not one day goes by that I don’t think to myself, you look so fat today, wow your face is breaking out, you don’t deserve happiness, or something negative about myself.

I learned that in order to be a good mom to Olivia, I have to love myself first. So, I dove head first into trying to “fix” myself and was disappointed when I wasn’t seeing instant results. I was working out weekly, eating a healthy vegetarian diet, and even whitening my teeth three times a week.

I eventually saw that no matter what I looked like on the outside, I would never be happy with myself until I loved my inside. This is something I am still working on every day and have a long way to go, but I am finally starting to build back that self-confidence.

Thank you

I want to end this post by saying thank you to everyone in my life. Thank you to Zach, for being an amazing father to Olivia and supporting me through the tough times. Thank you to my mom (and Mike) for all of your never-ending support and unconditional love. Thank you to everyone for supporting me going back to school and taking on photography. Thank you for teaching me the life-long lessons in control, forgiveness and self-love. Thank you for allowing me to be a better person. Thank you for the best year of my life.